Wow, so hey, it’s been awhile…
But as can be expected, God has been at work in my life! (KJ here.) Circumstances have totally changed: new location, new job, new church, new house…..NEW BABY 🙂 still in the tummy but she is giddy as can be as God is creating her in there.
It’s so funny how looking pregnant can change how people treat me. Complete strangers and close friends. Random people smile at me when they see my bump. Like they are so happy I just let them in on the secret of life inside me. I never knew pregnant women made people so happy! And then of course there is my family and close friends who are all of a sudden SUPER PROTECTIVE and cautious about everything I do. “Honey don’t lift that….You get off of that lawnmower….Wear your seat belt, drive slow…” I mean it goes on and on. Like I’m this fragile piece of pottery, able to fall and break at any moment.
I’m thinking to myself, “Seriously, give my God-built body some credit people! He made women to be able to handle this. His creation is sturdy and if He intends for this precious baby to be born, then she will be!” And it’s true His Soveriegnty is bigger, MUCH bigger, than any sort of anxieties, precautions and fears I or my loved ones might have. (Not that I’m not thrilled they want to love and protect me, of course.)
I couldn’t possibly sum up the last few months of my life in just one blog post. 1. Because they have been some of the HARDEST MONTHS OF MY LIFE. 2. Because I have learned too much to process.
I’m writing this blog post mostly to process my thoughts. (selfish me) But also, I know that sharing honest pieces of life and the strength of God’s Word is powerful. Maybe you are in need of some of that profound power of God right now.
As far as God’s Word goes, Psalm 46 is a star player in my life right now:
God is our shelter and our strength.
When troubles seem near, God is nearer, and He’s ready to help.
So why run and hide?
2 No fear, no pacing, no biting fingernails.
When the earth spins out of control, we are sure and fearless.
When mountains crumble and the waters run wild, we are sure and fearless.
3 Even in heavy winds and huge waves,
or as mountains shake, we are sure and fearless.
8 Come, gaze, fix your eyes on what the Eternal can do.
Amazing, He has worked desolation here on this battlefield, earth.
10 “Be still, be calm, see, and understand I am the True God.
I am honored among all the nations.
I am honored over all the earth.”
11 You know the Eternal, the Commander of heavenly armies, surrounds us and protects us;
the True God of Jacob is our shelter, close to His heart.
Like wow. Who can’t glean some courage and peace from these words!? I have these “mantras” as I call them, that I repeat to myself over and over when I feel like my thought-life is out of control and anxieties are slipping into my heart. It’s just something that Holy Spirit lead me to do because it works for my brain and heart(Psalm 119:11 I have hidden your word in my heart so that I may not sin against you). So, I have been gathering “mantras” from this psalm for weeks!
- When trouble seems near, God is nearer.
- When the earth(and my life) spins out of control, I AM SURE AND FEARLESS with Jesus by my side.
- Gaze and FIX MY EYES on what Jesus can do!
- Be still, be calm, see, and understand that Jesus is the True God.
- I am close to God’s heart. He keeps me there.
BOOM. Those are just the obvious ones that my spirit has been drawn to.
I mean here’s the truth: my husband didn’t have a full-time job for 7 months. We still don’t have a place of our own; living with my parents means “nesting” for baby gets put on the back burner. My marriage has been a deep, dark valley. BUT I am close to God’s heart. He keeps me there.
Circumstances give me tons of reasons to doubt God, to be anxious, to be fearful, to even be angry at times. BUT Be still, be calm, see, and understand that Jesus is the True God.
I don’t know what’s coming. I don’t even know where I will be living in a few months. I don’t know where I am called to be a part of something greater than myself. I am depressed y’all. BUT When trouble seems near, God is nearer.
My first trimester was a complete WRECK. I couldn’t eat anything but french fries and cereal (for those of you that don’t know me I’m a big fan of healthy eating and nutrition and don’t normally touch these things) so my health, physical and mental, went through a huge decline. I was crying and/or laying on the floor sick every day. BUT When the earth(and my life) spins out of control, I AM SURE AND FEARLESS with Jesus by my side.
Money is tight. We aren’t meeting our financial goals. BUT Gaze and FIX MY EYES on what Jesus can do!
These Scripture-truths have been keeping me afloat. Some days I don’t see that light and I forget my mantras when my fearful thoughts overwhelm me. But the next day is a fresh start and Jesus picks me up and brushes me off. He sits me in His Mercy Seat, lets me repent and weep and seek His direction. He says this:
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:18-19 (NIV)
His works are wonderful! I cannot WAIT to see his way through the wilderness and those streams in the wasteland. I am counting on them. I declare they are beautiful before I can see the, living by faith and not by sight.
Another cool thing Holy Spirit has introduced me to is praying Scripture over people and over myself.
For myself and my best friend Rochelle: Proverbs 31:25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. We are both in a place where change is around every corner and there is so much to think about and plan for the future. We NEED to trust in God enough to smile at the future instead of worrying over it or becoming overwhelmed.
For my husband: Proverbs 3. The whole thing. I just want God to bless him and his decisions with wisdom and understanding. I want his sleep to be refreshing and not burdened with worry. I want him to inherit honor and walk a path of peace.
So yeah, this is my comeback post. There is still hope to spread! Even when life is crazy and prickly and MESSY, God is who He is. He is a good Father. He is trustworthy. He is moving and doing great things. He is worthy of our love, fear, praise and attention.
Action steps for any of you reading this, TRY SOMETHING NEW:
- Take seriously the Scripture God puts into your life. If a verse is read at church, meditate on it. Repeat it to yourself in the midst of chaos and loneliness. His Word is powerful so cling to it!
- Pray a Scripture over yourself and anyone who comes to mind. It will get you into the Word and refresh you!
Buckets of love!